At what age do you think parents should have the ‘sex-talk’ with kids? And have you had it yet?
There is no getting away from the fact that many of us dread having to talk to our kids about sex, maybe worry that we might not be able to answer some of their questions.
Some of us might still cringe at the memory of being given the sex talk by our own parents, and am terrified our kids will feel equally mortified if we pin them down for the same chat.
However, in a world of AI Chatbots and the manosphere online and social media and porn being accessible to kids the minute they are handed a smart phone, I think we can all agree that the sex talk might just be the single most conversation we ever have with our children.
But – while we all agree the sex talk is important, it seems the vast majority of us are all making the same, big mistake, an expert has now warned parents.
When is the right time for the sex-talk?
US-based parent educators Megan Michelson and Mary Flo Ridley, who run Birds & Bees, a company that offers an online course on just this topic, says most parents fall into the trap of putting it off.
And before you know it, you have almost left it too late. At least if you want to get out ahead of the information they will find online or from peers.
‘You want to be the expert for your child,’ Michelson shared with TODAY.com recently.
‘You don’t want them seeking advice from other sources.’
Michelson and Ridley argue that putting off the sex-talk is only going to make it more difficult, and it might even land your child in a dangerous or difficult situation too, if they have not been told what they need to know from you.
But, the pair argue, thinking about it like having the ‘sex-talk’ is actually where we all get it wrong. Because, they say, most people avoid the subject over and over until they literally have to sit down to have the sex-talk, they are actually doing their kids a disservice – and making things more difficult for themselves too in the process.
The trick, the expert argue, is to avoid the big talk altogether, and instead use the drip, drip, drip method when it comes to talking to children and tweens and teens about sex.
‘The Talk’ is outdated,’ adds Michelson.
But the drip, drip, drip method is where it is at.
What is the drip, drip method to have the sex-talk?
‘Imagine water dripping onto a sponge,’ Michelson says.
‘If you turn the whole faucet on, a good bit of the water will just roll right off. But small drips of water can be easily absorbed.’
She explains that these bite-sized, age-appropriate conversations can take place any time and anywhere: on the walk home from school, while you’re in the kitchen cooking or simply driving in the car.
And so instead of the big talk, the parenting educators recommend starting slowly, by teaching toddlers the anatomically correct names for body parts, and setting boundaries for which part should not be touched. By doing it this way you are not only giving them a language to use around bodies and sex, but also laying a foundation for their future education, you are giving them tools to protect themselves.
‘You want to use a calm, matter-of-fact tone’ when having these conversations, Ridley says.
‘As they grow, you can introduce them to a factual but abbreviated version of the birth story. You want to wow them with the birth story and establish a pattern of communication with your child asking you curious questions and you providing accurate answers.’
The experts even have advice for parents who are nervous they’ll be met with questions they are not prepared to answer yet.
‘We love a ‘circle back’ moment,’ says Michelson.
‘It encourages kids to also ‘circle back’ to you with questions or comments.’
They also dished out advice on how to open the sex-talk conversation with your kids in case they have not come to you with questions yet – even though you know they might have them.
‘You can ask if there’s anything they’re wondering about, or if they’ve been curious about how babies get outside their mom’s bodies,’ says Michelson.
She also reminds parents that if your child isn’t asking you, they might already be asking their friends. Initiating the conversation is sometimes up to the parent rather than the child.
As for when is a good age to start having these conversations, the experts say the earlier the better, but reckon that primary school is the best window for sure.
‘The mid- to late- primary years is a good general target,’ Michelson says. Many schools will offer sexual education as children approach the end of primary school. Again, you want your kids to hear the information from you before they might hear it from a speaker at school.’
I have to admit, despite now having a 16- and 12-year-old, I have never really had THE sex-talk with them. But instead, we have always talked about how bodies work and what periods are and how babies are made and how they arrive in the world.
I’ll admit I was a little freaked out for a moment the first time I was asked how the baby gets into the tummy in the first place, but honestly, my kids were so young then, the whole conversations was a lot less cringy than I imagine it would have been had I waited until they were older.
