A behaviour analyst has revealed 10 common parenting phrases that she now doesn’t use, and what she says instead.
Parents often have a repertoire of phrases to dole out as needed. Whether our children have had a bad day, a fight with their friends, are doing something dangerous or need a telling off, we always have something to say.
These phrases are tale as old as time and, some of them were even said to us by our own parents, but it turns out that we may want to change our strategy.
A behaviour analyst who shares information and tips for parents with her 48.9K Instagram followers, Dr Alex, has revealed the parenting phrases she no longer says and what she says instead. And they may be very familiar.
10 phrases this behaviour analyst no longer says to her kids
According to Dr Alex, many common parenting phrases sound polite, but they’re often unclear, vague and ‘missing the replacement behaviour’.
Here are the phrases you should avoid, and what to say instead:
- Can you clean up? It’s not a question so ‘don’t present it like one’. Instead, say it’s time to clean up.
- Be careful – Vague warnings like this don’t teach children anything; instead, tell them exactly what you want to do. Say something like hold the railings’ or ‘two hands on the ladder’.
- How do we ask? Children need the correct way to ask for things modelled, rather than be corrected so that’s what parents should do. Instead you can say: ‘Help please’ or ‘Can you open this?’
- Use your inside voice – Instead, teach your kids to understand social cues by saying: ‘Look around the room. How loud are other people? Let’s match the room’.
- Good job – Praise the behaviour instead by saying something like: ‘You waited your turn’ or ‘You kept trying!’
- Stop running – Dr Alex says telling kids what NOT to do doesn’t teach the skills you want. Instead, say something like ‘walking feet’ or ‘stay next to me’.
- Stop throwing that – Instead say: ‘Cars stay on the ground. If you throw it again, I’ll put it away,’ and then do what you have said.
- Can you behave? The word behave is too vague; you need to tell children the behaviour you want from them, according to Dr Alex. Say: ‘Walking feet’ or Hands on your lap’.
- Hurry up – You need to give your children ‘structure before urgency’. Say, ‘we leave in two minutes, first shoes then car. Shoes or jacket first?’
- Because I said so – Instead say: ‘The answer is no. I’m not changing my mind. You don’t have to like it’.
