As parents, there are many conversations we need to have with our children, both when they are little and as they grow older.
Important conversations, vital conversations, even. Conversations that can make them safer, happier, kinder, and more likely to succeed in life. As kids, we might have conversations with our little ones around how to make friends and how to treat others. About how they need to clean their rooms and spaces and help out at home and be more responsible.
As children grow and change, so does conversation topics and things we need to let our children know. Teens need conversations that reflect where they are in life, talks about peer pressure, and about alcohol and big, important conversations around respect and consent.
However, did you know there are some conversations experts urge parents to not have with their children?
Some topics and conversations should be for adults only, and are not for children’s ears at all.
Speaking to Fabulous Magazine, adolescent psychologist and parenting teenagers expert Angela Karanja, reveals the topics of conversation she firmly believes should be kept away from children.
Conversations not to have with your child
Karanja, who is the founder of Raising Remarkable Teenagers, said other behaviourist psychologists agree with her on this, and that parents should think about what children are ready to hear before having discussions with them on any topic, and that they should also actively shield children from certain adult conversations.
1. Major financial struggles
This is not to say we should not discuss money and financial matter with kids. On the contrary, this is for sure conversations we should be having with them, as learning about money and the value of things, and even things like budgeting and how salaries and bills and expenses work, these are vital life lessons for children.
What we should avoid, however, is lumbering children with our major financial worries and struggles.
‘Burdening children with adult responsibilities they cannot change causes anxiety, fear of losing their home, and guilt over needing items like school supplies,’ the expert advices.
‘You should never talk about money and disease worries. When parents are fearful and talk about money worries, they transfer these fears to kids.’
Karanja said this is burdening because the kids are now worried and these are adult responsibilities that kids have no power to alleviate.
‘When parents talk about adult worries to kids, they put their kids in a hopeless and helpless position which has been known to interfere with normal childhood development.’
2. Talking negatively about the other parent, caregivers or family members
Many parents bad-mouth their child’s other parent in anger or revenge, maybe especially so if a marriage or relationship is breaking down.
Karanja said they fail to understand that the child is a blend of both parents and when you say something negative about the other parent, the kid sees themselves as such because they are one part of the two of you.
‘This also goes for saying negative things about other family members. This can create internal division and tear the kid apart because there’s dissonance in the kid’s heart and because a part of them or their family is being hated.’
3. Self-loathing
According to Karanja, parents should never use self-battering and self-loathing language like ‘I’m such a failure, ‘I can’t do anything right, ‘I’m useless, ‘I’m fat’, ‘I’ll never amount to anything’ or ‘I’m ugly.’
She adds:
‘Consider a parent as a leader, how positively influential are they when they have no faith in self? Doing this in the presence of their kids who are so impressionable, parents teach by the demonstration that it is ok to not have faith in self.’
4. Other people’s appearance or weight
Another conversation to be avoided is criticising your own or others appearance or weight in front of children.
‘A positive body image is often linked to higher self-esteem and healthy behaviour. We know that children learn by watching and listening.’
Criticising your own body or others in front of your child may seem harmless because it’s not directed at your child, but children often internalise these messages and they can begin to impact the way they feel about themselves.
‘Criticising your own body sends the message that your child’s value is intrinsically linked to their appearance. Openly talking about wanting aspects of your body to change can have children interpret bodies as ‘good’ should they conform to certain beauty standards or ‘bad’ if they don’t. ‘
5. Your own childhood trauma or unhappiness
Children should not have to act as your therapist, and are not old or mature enough to handle being used as one. This goes both for current drama in your life as an adult, as well as any traumatic experiences or things that happened to you as a child.
Hearing about your struggles or unhappiness could make children feel like it is their job to make you feel happy again, and that is not the case, and can cause both stress and anxiety in children.
