As parents, we all want to raise happy, healthy children.
That is the Holy Grail, isn’t it? To raise children who feel content, and confident and just happy with life.
But getting there can feel more overwhelming, I think we can all agree. Because parenting is hard work, and it can be easy to feel like you are making your kids anything but happy every time you have to give out to them over messy rooms or missing hockey sticks or fighting with each other or not eating their carrots. Or every other little thing we, as parents, have to battle with our kids over.
However, an expert has now assured us – there is a way around this. As in, we can still correct our kids when they need correcting, and pull them on when they are not behaving well or genuinely doing something wrong. We just need to make sure we are balancing the negative interactions (AKA giving out) with more positive ones too (hugs, praise etc).
Sounds doable? I think so.
The method, originally developed by psychologist John Gottman for married couples, is known as the 5:1 rule, and put shortly, it involved making sure you have five positive interactions with someone for every one negative one.
What is the 5:1 rule for parenting and how does it raise happy kids?
Gottman, who focused most of his research and work on relationships and marriages, found that the most lasting relationships had roughly five positive exchanges for every negative one. And now a child psychologist has looked at his work in relation to parent-child interactions, and found the method can work beautifully for disciplining children too.
Speaking to Verywell Family, US-based clinical psychologist Carla Allan explains that this means noticing when your children do things right, not just stepping in when something goes wrong.
‘When parents apply the 5:1 rule consistently, they model emotional regulation, reduce family stress, and help build trust and resilience in their children,’ Allan explained.
‘At first, practicing this ratio may feel awkward, forced, or even silly, but the benefits are substantial.’
And Allan got support from fellow psychologist Nina Kaiser, who is based in San Francisco. Also speaking to Verywell Family on the topic, Kaiser likened using the 5:1 method to making deposits into a bank account.
‘We need to be making consistent deposits toward maintaining a strong connection to have room to spare when we need to make withdrawals, in the form of corrections,’ the expert explained.
‘We are all more likely to perform at our best when we feel connected to and appreciated by the people in charge. This is true for us as adults, and it’s also true for our kids.’
And the good news is that making our kids happy using the 5:1 method is actually less complicated than you might think, and there is no need to keep a tally or list, Kaiser reassures parents.
Instead, she explains, just make sure you actually make an effort to notice all the positive things your children are doing, and when they are doing well at something, be it school work or chores or playing with their siblings in a nice manner.
In particular, the expert says, try to notice the everyday stuff that often goes unremarked on.
‘If you find yourself making a lot of corrections when siblings argue, also try to call out the moments when they are getting along or playing nicely,’ she points out to parents.
Well, that is a relief, no? I mean, it is hard to imagine a scenario when we can completely stop correcting our kids – we are trying to raise good humans, after all. But the sprinkle the good in with the negative? I think we can all do that!
