Growing up, I don’t think I spent much time in my bedroom at all other than for sleeping, and I am pretty sure that bedroom door was never closed anyway.
Both my sister and I were proper ‘living room kids’ – meaning we would rather bring our toys out into the living room and play there, would only do homework at the dining room table, and even when we had friends over, we mostly hung out in the big living room, where my parents also popped in and out, and never once in our bedroom.
And now, raising my own two children, they are very much the same – even now, as tweens and teens, they never really spend any time in their rooms apart from sleeping. This, I am told by some mum friends, is pretty unusual, as many teenagers tend to spend a lot of time hauled up alone in rooms with their bedroom door closed – even locked.
In fact, a friend of mine said her 15-year-old pretty much now comes out whenever he gets hungry or has training to go to. Apart from that, it is just him, in his room, playing X-box and chatting to his pals online. She jokingly said she has even considered just removing his bedroom door – at least then they would get to see him more…!
Interestingly, the bedroom door debate is one that many parents have, and according to Parents.com, some parents even go as far as demanding their kids never close their bedroom door at all. Mostly, they site the reason as being to keep kids safe. As in, the same way as we would monitor them online or on social media, parents are also saying they physically want to keep an eye on their kids, and hence the bedroom door has to remain open.
Why some parents don’t allow kids to close bedroom door
While most of might think never allowing kids to close their bedroom door might sounds extreme, there are actually a few situations where an always-open-door policy with kids makes sense, explains Jeannine Jannot, a US-based child developmental psychologist, to Parents.com.
‘This is particularly with younger kids or when a child is struggling emotionally, behaviorally, or socially. That said, if maintained too rigidly as kids get older, it can unintentionally communicate mistrust or inhibit their need for autonomy and emotional privacy.’
In a post on Reddit debating the issue, parents explain exactly why they don’t let their kids close their doors, and their reasoning tends to vary by child’s age and maturity level.
‘My kid is 3 lol and their capacity for shenanigans is boundless,’ wrote one Reddit user.
Other parents agreed, and even said the same goes for some tweens. One Reddit user admitted her 10-year-old daughter loves making potions with glue, lotion, and even shampoo when doors are closed.
Avoid or monitor risky behaviour
Parents of slightly older kids said their open bedroom door policy stems from wanting to keep their kids safe and avoid risky behaviours.
‘I have always made it clear to my kids that trust is the default setting, but if they want to be trusted, they have to be trustworthy,’ one parent wrote, adding:
‘I’d never tell a teenager they can’t close the door unless I had reason to believe they couldn’t be trusted with the door closed.’
Some parents said their children struggle with their mental health, and hence they believe it is safer to insist their door is always open, and certainly unlocked.
Others have tried to strike a balance between privacy and safety in this scenario by allowing doors to be shut but never locked.
‘No bedroom door locking, especially for my teen, because she has serious mental health issues and I require proof of safety on an occasional basis,’ wrote one parent, who says she will still always knock if the door is closed.
However, marriage and family therapist Christina Billingsley says there are some good reasons to allow your kids, especially older kids and teens, to close their bedroom door if they so wish, as doing so represents autonomy and trust within the family.
‘My kids Henry, 15, and Claire, 13, are allowed to close their doors but not lock them,’ Billingsley says.
‘They know we value their privacy and knock before entering, but for us, locking is both a potential safety issue and can indicate a deeper issue, like withdrawal or depression.’
