Are you guilty of this parenting mistake?
Look – parenting is hard. We are all just in the trenches trying to make it to bedtime, no? Another thing parenting is, is humbling. My goodness, the amount of things I have found myself saying or doing that I swore blind I would never do before having kids – and I am sure I am not alone.
For instance, before having my daughter, I was all like : ‘My child will only have wooden toys, no plastic in this house.’ But wouldn’t you know it, a few months into motherhood, and our entire house looked like the Fisher-Price catalogue exploded there.
Another thing I have found myself doing that I also swore blind I would never do is issue threats that I knew in my heart I would never follow through on to get my kids to do – or stop doing – something. I can make threats, don’t get me wrong – I am great at that. It’s the follow-through that is the problem.
‘If you don’t leave the playground now, there will be no more playdates for a month. I knew I was lying. He knew I was lying. All the other parents in the playground knew I was lying.
And according to experts, this is one parenting mistake we all need to stop doing with our kids – or the consequences could be pretty dire.
Not following through with threats is a major parenting mistake
As for why I suck at a following through when I threaten my kids with a consequence for their behaviour, I am not sure – mostly I think it is because I just don’t want my child to be upset. Also, something I throw out threats in pure desperation, only to realise that should I actually follow through, it would make my own life more difficult too, not just my child’s (I am looking at you, no TV or screens…).
Speaking to Parents.com, marriage and family therapist Cheryl Donaldson says that most parents know that should they enforce the consequence, their child may become even more upset, and in that moment, they’re trying to de-escalate the situation, not escalate it further.
‘When a child has an emotional outburst, enforcing a boundary usually means staying present through another wave of emotional volatility. It takes time and emotional energy, which many parents don’t feel that they have.’
This will sound familiar to so many of us, I think. Because honestly, sometimes we throw out threats just to speed things along with kids, no?
Why parents are uncomfortable with following up on threats
But – in the short term – giving in to whining or a demand made during a tantrum can feel like the easier solution. But Donaldson says, this is only a band-aid, and can lead to long-term issues, and she urges parents to think about why following through on threats feels so uncomfortable.
‘For many parents, it’s because they struggle to tolerate their child’s unhappiness,’ the therapist says.
‘Discipline shouldn’t be about punishing children for doing something wrong. It should be about teaching them a new skill. Every consequence should help a child learn something they will need later in life, whether that’s self-regulation, patience, responsibility, or respect for boundaries.’
However, the expert tells parents, it is important to keep in mind that we are setting children up for failure in the future when we never practice follow through.
‘Consequences are a natural part of life,’ Donaldson stresses.
‘And if we consistently avoid following through because it’s uncomfortable in the moment, we rob them of those learning opportunities.’
