A teen counsellor has told parents what they should do if they see something concerning on their teen’s phone and what they should avoid doing.
Parenting a teenager is a scary place to be; there are so many threats out there that we don’t know about or fully understand, so it can be hard to keep them safe while also giving them freedom. From social media to viral trends to online bullying, there are so many things to think about and worry about.
Some parents try to get ahead of this by checking their teen’s phone, which is a grey area that we aren’t going to go into right now. But if you see something you don’t like on your teen’s phone, whether you were looking on purpose or accidentally, there are ways you should and shouldn’t deal with it.
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What you shouldn’t do if you see something concerning on your teen’s phone
Jackie Humphries, an at-risk teen counsellor, took to Instagram to advise parents what they should or shouldn’t do if they find themselves in this position, and it makes a lot of sense.
She said that you may have accidentally seen your child’s phone when they are in bed, and you are charging it for them and are confused about what to do about it.
‘I know what your body is doing right now,’ Jackie said. ‘Switching between “I have to talk to her tonight” and “I have to pretend I never saw this” every four seconds. Rewriting everything about your kid in your head. Wondering if you’re a bad parent. Wondering if this is your fault.’
She tells parents to ‘put the phone down’ and not wake their child up, go into their room or text their dad a photo of what they have seen on the phone. ‘Do not text her dad a photo of it. Do not text your sister. Do not screenshot it. That message will exist forever, and your daughter will one day know you sent it.’
‘Tonight your only job is to not blow the trust before you know what you’re actually looking at,’ Jackie said. She continued, telling parents that what she sees most is that the parent will ‘go in hot’ and angry, potentially banning the teen from their phone or using some other sort of punishment.
But the child that has that parent will ‘get better at hiding’ the things they don’t want their parent to see.
Another tactic will actually help keep your relationship with your teen strong, and Jackie urges parents to sleep on it, take a day and bring the topic up in a more nonchalant way.
‘The parents who kept the relationship did this instead… They slept on it. Did not raise it the next morning. Gave themselves a day to work out what part was actually dangerous, and what part was just their daughter being 15. Then they raised it in the car. Sideways. Without holding the phone.’
Giving a small script, Jackie tells parents to say something along the lines of: ‘Hey. I need to talk to you about something, and I want to do it while we’re driving. I saw something on your phone last night I wasn’t looking for. I’m not going to tell you off. I want to understand it. Can you tell me about it?’
This helps open the conversation up in a non-shameful way, and will hopefully mean that your teenager doesn’t lie to you and gives you the whole story, not half of it because they are afraid of getting in trouble.
Jackie says the consequence conversation can come later on, when you understand what you were looking at.
